i could really use a wish right now.

How often do you think we create our own setbacks?

I’ve always felt like life gives me a good kick in the rear frequently and consistently because… well, just because.  Life has never been easy on this side of the fence. I don’t think many people can say that it has been ever, really.  The trials and troubles we face here on earth help us. The mold us, the grow us, they teach us…. Or they hurt us. They destroy us. They keep us down.  But how much of that is really within our control?

I look at people I know whose lives are going well.. people who seem to have it good no matter what they do… and I wonder what makes them different.  Do they really have no problems at all? Do they really float over tribulations as though they’re on a cloud of inner peace and serenity, with smiles, and never a negative thought?  Are some people just lucky? Or destined to have it good? I highly doubt it, but who knows?

Everyone has their own brand of problems and how they handle them.  Maybe they do have problems. Maybe they have severe problems.  They just know how to handle them.

The title of this blog post is because I’ve been listening to that song Airplanes by B.o.B. and Hayley Williams, more specifically the version with Eminem.  I know it’s not a new song and it was played to death, but something about it just resonates with me as of late.

 

I look back at my life and where I am… the things that have helped me and the things that have hurt me… and I wonder “what if”.  If you’re not familiar with the song, here are a few lines..

 

Lets pretend Marshall Mathers never picked up a pen
Lets pretend things would have been no different
pretend he procrastinated had no motivation
pretend he just made excuses that were so paper thin they could blow away with the wind
Marshall, you’re never gonna make it. Makes no sense to play the game there ain’t no way that you’ll win….

Fuck a talent show in a gymnasium bitch, you won’t amount to shit! Quit daydreaming kid!
You need to get your cranium checked, you thinking like an alien, it just ain’t realistic!….

He’s gonna have a hard time explaining to Hailey and Laney these food stamps and this WIC shit.
cuz he never risked shit.
He hoped and he wished it, but it didn’t fall in his lap so he ain’t even here…

…Those are the lines that resonate with me the most. Because I know. Exactly. What. That. Feels. Like.

 

What I don’t know of (yet) is the feeling of overcoming those hurdles.  So I’m trying to change my perspective. Let those words, feelings, and experiences go. Stop them from haunting me and halting my future.  Maybe… Maybe I’ll just write songs about it and one day some kid will be listening to my music.. dreaming of a better life and plotting how they’ll make it happen.

 That’s the idea

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The Mind Can Be a Fun Place, Too!

I’ve been catching up on the Scrubs episodes I missed over the years on Netflix and let me tell you.. I love that show.

I think a part of me loves it so much because I can relate to the constant daydreaming of the main character, JD. It makes me feel less crazy. Daydreams are fun! I’ve been a daydreamer since I was a kid. I remember sitting in class and watching the teacher you know… teach… and I’d imagine my favorite singer or actor come in and start performing in the front of the room. Of course, I’d always get picked out of the group to participate and we’d leave together and go have adventures (this was a recurring daydream and almost always with different people) and before I knew it my mind would be rudely interrupted by something I probably should have been paying attention to.

Nowadays it happens while I’m working. Sometimes while I’m driving (I know, I know!) and.. well, pretty much anywhere. I used to berate myself for it. Kick myself and tell myself that I shouldn’t be so inattentive (I still do about the driving part, but in my defense it’s usually about where I’m going or where I’d rather be going. Except for really really dark days when I imagine what it would be like to drive right off the bridge and I *promise* I would never test that theory!) and that I’m daydreaming my life away. I’ve decided that its not so bad. I like my daydreams. Like when my coworker told me they were “cruising the internet” and I immediately pictured her tearing through a highway in the sky made of rainbows and telephone lines wearing a billowing scarf and goggles going “weeee!”.

They amuse me. 🙂

Does that make me crazy?

Cue Gnarles Barkley…

Not much of an update.

It’s really not that I haven’t had time to post, but it seems like when I do have time I tend to spend it doing other things.

I have 5 minutes, so I’ll keep this brief..

I was on the radio! This time for the whole show. It was super fun and I hope to have more radio stuff in the near future, once I figure out how and why.
You can listen here:
http://www.wstw.com/heroes
The show was dated 7/8.

I also had a great show on Friday. I’ll post more about that later. Upcoming shows are on my schedule page.

There’s a lot that’s been sitting on my “to do-eventually” list for a long time and I have to be honest.. It drives me nuts…

There really just isn’t enough time in the day to read the books I want to read, watch the movies I want to see, see the people I love, clean the shelves and the closets, organize everything in my entire life, build a new turtle habitat, get a hair cut, omg… The list is overwhelming.
And when I get a free moment? I just want to relax and turn off my brain.
I get into this “this has to be done or I’m a failure at life” mode and it stresses me out. So I write lists for things to do every day. Mostly because if I don’t I’ll be wandering around like a chicken with no head feeling completely lost.

Like my train of thought. Lost.
Which is one of my all time favorite shows: LOST.

5 minutes is up.

Anyway, I started using Tumblr again.
http://visforevangelina.tumblr.com

Just start writing, dangit.

I feel kinda like a robot. Except with an overactive imagination.

I’ve been thinking about making a blog specifically for short stories because of this. I don’t intend for it to be “a thing”… Other than just a place to put things.

I like having places to put things.

Lots happened in June! Good things! I don’t feel like typing about them, but one of such wonderful things was my student’s quinceanera!

I have seen this girl grow leaps and bounds over the last few years and she is turning into a wonderful, beautiful young woman. I’m very proud to have her and her family in my life (especially when I see a boy post on Facebook that she punches harder than he does *Woot*). So, feliz quinceanos Ariana. ❤

Ariana, Amanda, and Robyn taking a break from the insanity.

Ariana, Amanda, and Robyn taking a break from the insanity.

My son and his bff fully taking advantage of the free unlimited photo booth fun.

My son and his bff fully taking advantage of the free unlimited photo booth fun.

Edit:
Oh yeah! I’m gonna be on the radio this Sunday, 7/8. 8PM to 10PM. Hometown Heroes WSTW (93.7)

Choo Choo

My mind is like a never ending railroad that sometimes dips down, down, down into deep black caves which seem to have no ending, only to resurface and raise up above the clouds on a high mountaintop where I can see all of God’s creation and everything around me makes sense and makes me smile.
And it just keeps going. Like a run on sentence.

The moment’s passed.

I was going to blog about something entirely different that had a lot more meaning yesterday, but… the moment has passed.

Last night I had a dream about my would-have-been-ex. I call him my would-have-been-ex because we never made it to the point of actually being in a relationship. If we had, he would have been my ex. He was one of those guys I dated that “wasn’t ready for a relationship.” Which was sad, because I really liked him. I really did. But I don’t like being strung along either. I want a real relationship with someone who is emotionally ready to share a life with me. So sue me!

Anyway, last year I pretty much told him I never wanted to speak to him again (after this on and off rollercoaster that lasted a year) but I wished him well and told him I hope his life improves and he finds happiness. Sincerely.

He tried to contact me again in October, but I ignored him. I’m sorry, but I don’t want to be anyone’s “maybe” anymore. I’d like to be with a guy who actually knows what he wants, is that so bad?

So in my dream he ended up working with me. I pretended not to know him and did a pretty good job of ignoring him until he started a conversation. Try as I might, it’s difficult for me to be rude. So I asked him how everything was.. And to my surprise he told me everything was great. He was engaged, working on a production crew with his fiancé, his family was healthy, and he had found Jesus.

I was happy and sad at the same time. My prayers had been answered. You see, to help myself let go of this guy, whenever I would feel bad about our lack of relationship, I would pray for him. I’d pray that he would find a nice girl to settle down with, build a relationship with Jesus, chase his dreams, and find happiness. My prayers were answered (in my dream) and I was happy for that, but sad that none of those things involved me.

I woke up with the question in my head, “….When will it be my turn, Lord?”

…and an internal battle over whether or not I should contact this guy and see how he was doing. That would only end badly for me, so I didn’t. I won’t. I have better things to do. Healthier things.

For us? I believe that moment has passed.