born again

When we become born again, we get a little annoying. 

It’s like we just discovered the most amazing thing!
And it is!
Like we just found the secret to happiness and we want to let everyone else know!
Our lives are changed and we’re so happy about it and we want to share it with everyone!
And then…! ….. Then we also realize that our non-believing friends are in danger!
We want them to be saved, too!

We want them to be loved and accept the Lord the way we did so that we will see them in Heaven! It’s such a burden… We want to drag everyone to church with us and hope that they have the same experience that we did so that they understand, but unfortunately it’s not that easy.  Most people aren’t interested in going to your church.  Most people, even if they are Christians, aren’t interested in things when you’re over-excited about it. It’s a little exhausting actually.  Chill out, baby Christian.

But it’s so painful when we’re rejected… Yet it’s so joyful when our friends say yes to the invitation and join us.  It’s like they just accepted their spot in your family.
I say all this because not all of my friends are Christians and I accept that, but they also accept me and my excitement about Jesus.  Sometimes I am “that christian girl”.  Sometimes my friends don’t want to talk to me because I will eventually bring God into it.  And I accept that maybe I go about communicating the wrong way and sometimes I probably step on toes (usually my friends are too sweet to tell me, but I feel it) and say things that are cringeworthy and probably sound judgmental. In saying that, if I have ever said anything that put you off, I ask your forgiveness.  There are also times when I act or talk not-so-Christian-y and in those times I probably confuse my friends or seem like a hypocrite.  I apologize for that, too.
Forgive us overzealous Christians when we try to “help” you and instead end up annoying you. For most of us, our only goal is that you will experience the joy that we do. That we can share the deepest and most amazing love that Christ has for all of us (including you!).

I’m not talking about the judgmental people that build a bubble around themselves and call themselves Christians and then use that to ridicule and put other people down.  I’m talking about true followers of Christ who only want to see your familiar happy faces in Heaven.

I was “born again” unintentionally in 2009.
I wasn’t exactly seeking God because I thought I had already found Him.  I thought, “I grew up Christian, I already believe so that’s that.”  That’s all there is to it.  In 2008, I made a new friend who talked about God a lot.  I hardly ever talked about God in those days, so this was new to me.  Not that she was some Super Christian (-insert image of Wonder Woman but with a cross on her chest instead-), but whenever she struggled with anything she’d always talk about God and Jesus and she’d talk about reading her bible.  It made me curious.  Why did she feel the need to talk about it all the time?  Aside from Christianity, we had a lot of other things in common and a lot of things that we didn’t have in common that we enjoyed talking about, so we became fast friends.  Eventually she told me that she was thankful for me because she had prayed for a friend and I was an answer to that prayer.
Whaaaaaaat?  ME?
An answer to someone’s prayer???
“Do you eat quinoa?”
She explained to me that just before we met she was at a point in her life where she knew she needed change and she knew she couldn’t do it alone. She needed a friend who was in a healthier place that she could talk to about life and that could help her get on and stay on the right path.  She prayed that God would send her a friend that could help her.  One day at work, Liz witnessed some of our coworkers “gang up” on me during lunch when they found out my son was vegan.  After lunch one day she approached me and the first thing out of her mouth was, “Do you eat quinoa?”, which today is our way of reminding each other of how far we’ve come since that day.  After that, we started going to lunch together and talking about healthy life styles, fitness, diet, exercise, family, relationships, and eventually Christianity.  We then started hanging out after work and began to constantly encourage each other and help each other improve our lives. It’s a beautiful thing.
Back to the answer to her prayer thing.  No one had ever said anything like that to me before.  I was extremely (and still am) humbled and felt so loved and appreciated.  This woman is one of my best and closest friends to this day and I am so thankful that she came into my life.  We talk for hours and hours about everything and anything under the sun and she’s one of those people who is just never afraid to mention Jesus and talk about how He’s blessing us and answering our prayers.  And she has no idea that she’s doing it, so that makes it even better. It’s just who she is as a person.  What set her apart from my other Christian friends at the time was that whenever I came to her with a problem her reaction wasn’t to give me advice, but to openly admit that she didn’t know what to do and that we should pray about it together.  She told me about what brought her to Christ and she talked about how she felt that if she didn’t have family and friends that prayed for her through the hard times in her life when she wasn’t praying or caring for herself she wouldn’t be here today.  Just the other day, now seven years later, I realized how amazing it is that God was able to use me — a girl that had no “relationship” with him — to answer her prayer…. and I’m even more humbled when I realize that not only did He answer her prayer, but He changed my life by bringing her into mine.  He knew that she needed my help as a friend and that I needed HER in my life to bring me to Him.  The very thought of it overwhelms me with a sense of love and gratitude.  If He had given up on me and I had not let Him into my life, I would be so lost and have made so many poor decisions without Him.  I certainly would not be who I am today.
You don’t pray???
One day I told Liz that I don’t pray much because I feel like my complaints and worries aren’t important enough for God. Why would I waste God’s time on my problems?
“Vita!” she said…. “He WANTS you to pray to Him!  He WANTS you to have a relationship with Him and talk to Him about EVERYTHING!”
I told her I felt weird and uncomfortable praying and I didn’t understand why would I need to pray to Jesus.  Why “in the name of Jesus”?
She couldn’t explain to me the Jesus thing.  That’s fine, most people can’t explain that. I mean really — how can you explain the divinity of the Holy Trinity to someone who has been told about it since birth but still didn’t get it???  That’s okay.  She did however explain to me that I didn’t need to think about prayer as this big thing that you have to do in a certain way. It’s a conversation. It’s inviting Jesus into your every day life and being open and vulnerable with Him as your Friend and Father.
So I started to pray a little more here and there.  I still didn’t understand Jesus’ importance in the whole thing, so I prayed directly to God and that was fine, too.  One thing I began to realize is that prayer isn’t just about having a relationship with Jesus… it’s about humbling yourself before God.  It’s about taking a moment to open up, lay all your troubles before Him, admit that you can’t handle them alone, and submit yourself to His will.
Look at it this way, you’re in second grade and your teacher assigns the class a complicated project that requires magazine clippings and glue and poster board.  You can handle that, right?  You can use those kid scissors, clip things out, paste them on the board… You can do that on your own.  But how are you going to do that with no magazines? No poster board? No supplies?  You know what you’re going to have to do… You’re going to have to ask your parents for help. So when you have a situation in life that you can’t handle on your own (and some of us need help even just deciding what to have for breakfast…) who do you ask?  Your perfect Father in Heaven. But before you ask for help, you have to admit that you can’t do it alone.
If you know me outside of the internet, and if you’re unlucky (har har) enough to know me personally… you know that I’m a control freak.  I like to have things a certain way and if they are not that way I get stressed out. My sister calls me out on it aaaaaaaaaaall the time.  For me, a Type A personality who needs to be in control and see the outcome of every decision before I make it… giving that control over to a God that I can’t see and who basically has to constantly tell me “Be still and wait on Me”, was and is extremely difficult.  Not to mention I STILL didn’t understand this whole JESUS thing.
How could someone who lived over 2000 years ago die for my sins???
Let’s pause here for a moment.  I will admit, I’ve grown up in a Christian family, but… I’ve never read the bible all the way through in its entirety.  I started reading it when I was a kid and it was confusing and weird so I closed it and decided I wasn’t going to believe in it because it was written by men anyway so it couldn’t possibly be as true as Christians say it is.  When I came back to Christ in 2009 I decided to start reading it again, cover to cover.  It’s 2015 and I’m in the book of Ezekiel.
DON’T JUDGE ME! It’s a hard read! ^.^’
In the meantime, I do jump around from chapter to chapter and I have tons and tons of bible studys and sermons under my belt, so while I continue to read it page by page, I don’t stop myself from looking ahead or going back again and re-reading things.  The reason I bring that up is because I feel that you can’t really fully understand Christianity and Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross without studying the bible.  I’m not saying you have to read it first, but I’m saying it makes a WHOLE LOT more sense when you finally do.
But I digress. This isn’t about me now, this is about me in 2009.
Easter came around and Liz invited me and my son to join her and her son to go see an Easter play at her church.  I thought it would be fun for the kids and I always enjoy hanging out with Liz so sure.  I remember walking into the church and saying in my head, “Okay God.  I really don’t understand this whole Jesus thing…. so…. I’m asking you.  Explain it to me.”
Funnily enough, the play was actually about a Christian couple during the Easter holiday. The wife was a devout Christian and the husband didn’t understand why.  The play was about how the husband came to learn about, understand, and finally accept Jesus.  It didn’t hit me completely at first, but I was open to it.  I walked out of there knowing that I had just tapped the surface of something completely different and that I was interested in learning more.
Everything in its own time.
Moving on now to 2015.

In Mere Christianity, C.S. Lewis writes:

“Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of – throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself.”

I have changed a LOT in the last six years.  And I will likely continue to change as I feel like I haven’t grown really much at all until I stop and take a look back at the decisions I made back then compared to how I make decisions now.  There is still so much work to be done on my body, mind, and soul.  But it’s hard.  It is hard work… and one of the most challenging parts about it is that when you decide to follow Christ and really dig deep into what that means most people will not understand.  They’ll be happy for you and they will encourage you because they will see the good things that are coming into your life, but they won’t understand why you do things differently or why you view things differently than the rest of the world.
I’m not saying NO ONE will understand, but you will certainly find that people will take a step back and make a conscious decision whether or not to spend time with you any more.  They will assume that you’re judging them or that you think you’re better than they are.  Even if you never judge them, even if you are the kindest most generous and truthful person they ever come across there will still be people who are looking for something to pick apart because of your faith.  Let them.  Love them for it.  Strive to be a positive example of what a Christian should be even if it seems impossible.  Even Jesus admits (Matt 10:22) that people will hate you for being a Christian.  But He calls us to endure it, stay firm in our beliefs, and to be the light of the world.
I’ve lost some friends, I’ve made new friends, and some old friendships have become even stronger since I started this walk.  It’s funny, though. I’ve always been weird for one reason or another whether it’s my decision to go vegan or just my tendency to walk a different path from most people, so I’m used to being the odd one, but being born again and developing this relationship with Christ has made me embrace that even more.  Realizing that God made me the way I am has given me the confidence to be exactly who I am no matter how weird or different than others that makes me and no matter how much that might isolate me from the world.
I’m a mom, I quit my job and started my own business, I write music and poetry, I journal constantly, I talk about God a LOT, I listen to whatever music I feel like listening to, I hang out with whoever I want to, I study martial arts, and I attend church on the regular and sing in the choir. These are the basic things that make up who I am but what I’m really looking forward to is just leaving my life entirely open to whatever God puts in my path. I have no idea where I’m going to be in five years and I LOVE it.
And on that note I’m going to end this super long blog post right here. If you read it all, thank you and I love you. ❤

“Women”

I recently participated in a project by Kati Driscoll for Delaware Fun-A-Day in which she interviewed and photographed twenty nine women with the theme centering around what it’s like being a woman, or how we define the word “woman” and compiled them into one book so that the reader can see the different points of views from women of all walks of life.

Well, I just finished reading it and I have to say that I absolutely love it. Not only are some of my long time friends included so it almost felt like a post-high school yearbook, but I read some of the stories by women I’ve never met or spoken to before and was surprised by the different opinions we had about gender identification or gender roles in our personal lives and society.  Surprised in a good way!

I have to say my favorite was Brielle. I’ve never met Brielle, but she uses the term “gender awkward” and talks about how difficult it is to present herself under any of the pre-established labels because she doesn’t feel like she fits completely into any of them.  While she’s happy being who she is, it seems to make other people more uncomfortable when they don’t know which box to fit her in. I think it’s important to understand that we don’t all fit under one category not just in gender but in life in general. I love it when people are comfortable enough to admit that they can’t be fit neatly into any box.

What really stood out for me in the book was that we all feel the pressure to become wives, mothers, and sexually attractive starting at young ages.  For some girls as they grow older they go with that flow. They are pretty, so they embrace it at a young age. They like the attention from boys, so they dress provocatively and flaunt their bodies and it works for them.  They may be creative, intelligent, or bold in their opinions, but they might also decide to set those things aside because let’s face it… being mediocre is easy.  And it’s much easier when you follow a path set before you by society.  You’re young, you’re pretty, you can get a boyfriend and have fun.  When you’re older, you get married and you have children and build a home. There is nothing wrong with that and building a home, raising a family, and being a wife are completely challenging life choices so I respect that.  But that’s not the only thing women were meant to do with their lives and it doesn’t make us any less of a woman if we decide not to do those things.

Men go through a similar pressure. They have to deal with society pressuring them to do what makes them “manly”.

I think when it comes down to it we have to remember that being a man or being a woman is only part of who we are. God put us all on this earth to be much more than a body.  We are more than baby machines (and I’m including men in that term, too). We each have unique skills, talents, and abilities that define us. We each have our own sense of personal style that doesn’t HAVE to fit into any one particular form.  We each have the opportunity to take our lives and do amazing things with them. Create beautiful things. Inspire people. HELP each other. Everyone has something to contribute to the world.  Let’s stop focusing on how nice of a home you keep and how many children we have and start thinking about what makes us different than everyone else and what makes someone unique (and therefore beautiful) because that is just what the world needs.

The Voice Audition, Philly 2014

What’s up, reader?!

How are ya? Good? Good!

So I tried out for The Voice on Saturday.  Wanna know how it went? Okay, I’ll tell ya!

All joking aside, I’m not really sure how to start this blog so I figured I’d make it all customer service-y. On Saturday 1/11/14 my friend Sarah and I went to the Philadelphia Convention Center to try out for The Voice.  Now, if you’ve been paying any attention to my other social networking pages this isn’t news and you might be tired of hearing about it, but I’m still getting a lot of questions so I figured a recap is in order!

My family and friends had been bugging me to try out for The Voice for a long time now so I figured eh. Why not?! The worst that could happen is I don’t make it on and I waste a few hours of my life, and the best that could happen is I get famous and win a record contract! So definitely worth a shot. I signed up online and started looking for a song choice.  Now.. I’ve tried out for American Idol twice and never made it past the first round (except for the American Idol Experience in Hollywood Studios, FL. I made it to the finals for that!) and I wondered if it was because of my song choice.  I was also really curious about how they pick their contestants and how much like Idol their audition process was. I figured it can’t be too much different since it’s an open casting call.

I have to admit, I had never even watched The Voice before. I knew the general idea behind it and I knew who the judges were and I’m a huge fan of both Christina Aguilera and Adam Levine, but I don’t know that much about the other judges.  So I spent a lot of time on their website, reading their rules, what to expect, and any little bit of helpful information that I could find. I was pleasantly surprised by the fact that they do have a twitter page that’s specifically for hopefuls to give them tips for their audition and I learned that they prefer you to sing something contemporary and to try and make it your own instead of sounding exactly like the artist that recorded it.  I wanted to do something different, something other women probably won’t be singing, so I just kinda listened to the songs that I liked on the radio and then when Demons came on by Imagine Dragons I realized I found my song!

I don’t sing as low as the lead singer of Imagine Dragons, so I HAD to change the way the song sounded, which kind of forced me to really make the song my own.  When I figured out a way to sing it, I recorded it on YouTube and sent it out to all of you for opinions, suggestions, and any constructive criticisms and I got a lot!  At first, I’ll admit, it was hard to read some of it, because as much as an artist likes to hone their craft… nobody likes to hear that they’re less than perfect.  Thankfully I’m lucky enough to have some talented and helpful creative friends who gave me great feedback that I can use not only for the audition but for all of my singing!

Here’s the final video (before the audition!)

Okay, back to the audition.
If you don’t know my friend Sarah, I have to introduce you. She’s gorgeous, she’s talented, and she’s super fun and an awesome mom. Check her out!
http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=sarah%20czechowski&sm=3

We were scheduled for the 2pm group of auditions. When you register on The Voice website for the open calls, they send you an Artist Audition Pass for one of two groups on one of the audition days. The 7am group and the 2pm group. We arrived around 1:30… and we may or may not have gotten lost on the way.. which is sort of ridiculous since we’re both locals, but in our defense, we were just following the GPS (which took us to the other side of town..). So we really arrived around 1:45 after parking the car and such.

People were still lined up around the block, but it wasn’t too bad. We met a young singer from Boston named Savannah and we talked about music in our hometowns and whether or not it was JUST tea in my thermos until they let us inside. Once inside, they separated us into several long lines to get ready for bag check! So it was another bit of standing around and waiting. Everyone was chatting and getting to know the other contestants and I told Sarah that I was going to try and be more social this time because I’m really actually very shy. We met another woman who is a school teacher in Harrisburg and she was trying it out, too, and we discussed whether or not either of us will feel like going out after the auditions or not.

When I tried out for Idol, they told you to show up at 5am, even if the doors don’t open until 9am, because they want crowd shots. They have hype men and people walking around with cameras trying to get people to do silly things or asking people to sing and talk about themselves. It’s a fun experience, but it’s definitely a show start to finish.  The Voice was a little different. There were no hype men, no cameras…. actually NO CAMERAS. NO CAMERAS ALLOOWEED past the bag check.  So we took a few before we got that far.

Sarah FaceTiming her daughter in line.

After bag check they move you along to another line where they take your registration papers and send you to the next holding area. It was kind of nice, actually. Yes, you wait a long time, but it wasn’t unbearable, especially when you have friends to chat with.  After handing in our registration we were seated with about fifty or so people in one section and the crew members encouraged us to get up one by one and sing our audition songs. It helped warm our voices up and helped some of us get our jitters out.  Sarah wasn’t sure at first which song to sing, but she settled on Bruno Mars – Locked out of Heaven and she sang it pretty well in her My Little Pony dress.  I got up and sang my song, too and accidentally started too high, even though I was checking my pitch every 2 seconds making myself even more nervous. I recovered well, thanks to all those hours of practice!

After that, we moved to a smaller room and did more of the same. Took a seat and everyone got up to sing their song one by one. We met another young up and comer, Willow Amoros, from New York who was super nervous but sounded amazing! I really hope he posts music online and puts himself out there some more! Then as the amount of people in the room began to dwindle, Sarah and I said a quick prayer.

Finally they led us out ten by ten and took us to the audition rooms. Where we waited in line a lil’ more. See… if I was doing this alone I probably would have been taking all this waiting time and going insane and nervous out of my mind, but I had a friend with me and I was talking to the other contestants. During the Idol auditions, people were singing everywhere. It was really loud and you basically have the run of the stadium which means I got up a lot and walked around, singing my audition song for practice while everyone else was doing the same. It was actually sort of inspiring.  But for The Voice.. Everyone was quiiieeet…  We met a psychologist who shared some relaxation techniques and we joined Willow in another prayer before they finally let us in.  I think I left my thermos on the chair outside the audition room 😦

So. One producer (or scout?) was seated at a desk in the middle of the room with our registration papers and a laptop. Five seats on either side of the room and one green line. The woman was very kind and seemed genuine enough with her introduction and well wishing, and then one by one each of us got up and sang our audition pieces. I would say 8-10 of the people nailed it. Myself and Sarah included. I remember being not so impressed with one or two of the other songs, but I can’t remember who or why, so it must not have been that bad. I hit every note I wanted to, started in the right key, felt great while I was singing, made eye contact occasionally (too much makes me feel creepy) and felt like I had a good presence… overall I was happy with my audition and almost certain that I made a good impression and that I’d hear those magical words…..
And then she very kindly advised us that none of us made it to the next round. She didn’t give any feedback or tips or any sort of reason why, they simply say “You all did very well, unfortunately I’m not going to pass anyone on to the next round. Thank you so much.” In so many words.

Earlier in the morning, Sarah had said, “God please let this be a painless day”. I’d have to say that it was pretty painless.

“And I didn’t even have to use my A-K. “

 

 

 

ninja.

The “Talk”

It’s that moment when you realize that your baby boy is no longer a baby boy. When the magic seems to slowly begin to drift away… When you have “The Talk.”

Well… Not THAT talk..

Come on, he’s only ten!

No, I’m talking about the “is Santa real” talk!

So I’ve been wondering lately whether or not he still believes, mainly because he’s 10 and I stopped believing when I was about 8… After my mom said, “Go to bed so I can wrap your presents.” And it clicked in my child brain…

The other night as we were getting ready for bed, I couldn’t help but ask.

“Do you still believe in Santa?”

Ethan: “…do you?”
Me: “I asked you first.”
E: “But I want to know if you believe…”
Me: “…never mind.”
E: “Nooo tell me!”
Me: “I don’t want my answer to sway yours. Do you believe in Santa? Have you ever wondered if he wasn’t real?”

E: “Well… I do think its impossible for someone to live forever… And I don’t think he could get around to everyone’s houses in one night…”

Me: “If it’s not him, who do you think does it?”

E: “…I don’t know… Jesus?”

Ha!

Me: “hmm nah.. I don’t think that Jesus is into the delivery thing.”
E: “but he delivers us from evil!” He says with a laugh.
Me: “haha True but I don’t think he’s Santa.”
E: “Then who is?”

Me: “Do you really want to know?”

E: “Yes.”

And I watched him for a second, him with his big brown eyes so intent on learning the truth. So curious as to why he never knew it before and whether or not this lovable saint ever really existed… I contemplated keeping the truth to myself. Maybe for just another year? But it was too late now. He had already suspected and I had already opened the door.

Me: “I believe at one time Santa did exist. We carry on this tradition every year because… It’s fun!”

And I went on to explain the different stories of the origin of Santa and how he can decide which one he wants to believe in, or he can believe in all of them if he wants to. “It doesn’t really matter as long as you remember that Christmas isn’t about Santa, it’s about the birth of our Savior.” But we both agreed that we love everything about Santa and all of the magical parts of Christmas and for that reason we’re going to continue our traditions.

We’re still going to bake cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve, we’re still going to watch Santa on the Santa Tracker, we’re still going to listen for reindeer bells jingling on the roof…

E: “So who leaves the presents??”
Me: “I do.. Because I love you!”

At that point he smiled pretty sweetly. I can only imagine he was feeling pretty loved. Then I told him… Now that he’s privy to this secret, he’s now become one of “Santa’s Helpers” and it’s his job to create the magic for his baby brother (his dad’s baby, not mine!).

He went to bed feeling pretty grown up, while I must admit I was feeling kind of sad… He is getting older… Hopefully the magic wont disappear altogether.

I don’t really see how it could.

New

If you’re like me, you don’t like to waste things. Maybe it’s that never ending feeling of guilt that your Great Depression survivor relatives have instilled in you since you were a kid. Maybe it’s just that you know what it’s like to go without. Whatever the reason, we hold on to things. I hold on to things until they are absolutely useless and then sometimes still a little while longer. Like my shoes. They sit have holes in them… Yet! Or my jeans… They have holes in them.. You know, stylish kind. But not the pre-torn bull, I earn all of the rips in my jeans!

So my phone was stolen last week. It was a very upsetting situation. Since I don’t have Internet or a landline at home, I pretty much do all of my correspondence via cell phone. So… Things were pretty silent for a few days, which was actually kinda nice.

I was upset, though. That cell had so many pictures, so many videos, and so many half written songs (and some finished ones!) that are now gone forever…

And yes, I usually back my files up on a computer, but I had been slacking on that for about a month 😦

Anyway, I was able to contact AT&T and they bumped up my upgrade date so that I can just upgrade to a new phone! Silver lining spotted! So now I have a fancy shmancy iPhone and I plan on doing fancy shmancy things with it 😀 and if my ol Blackberry hadn’t been stolen I wouldn’t have upgraded. At least not for a few months! 🙂

Yay for new things.

Speaking of new things, I’ve made a video for this new song, I’m in a new band, and I’m thinking of starting a new food blog!

Video!

Family

They are the people that will do things for you that no one else will. They’re the ones that love you, have loved you, and will love you no matter what. They look at you and see the child in your eyes. They see the best of you and the worst of you.

Not everyone has the kind of family that they can smile about… I’m really lucky to have mine. We’ve been through hell and back but there has never been a lack of love or acceptance, mostly because of my mom. That woman has enough love to mend the world. Really, maybe she’s storing it all up and that’s why everyone else is screwed! Share, Ma! Share! Lol Joking aside..

I was sitting here feeling sorry for myself for a moment because I have all these things that I wish I could do with Ethan that would be so much nicer if I had a husband.. You know, so we can do things “as a family”. Then I realized all of those things? I can do them with MY family. Those same people that I spent my time with as a child. We grew up fatherless, but we still had good times! We still went on vacations (thanks mom!), camping trips, went to movies, baked cookies and ate half the dough, licked the brownie batter bowl clean, and went to the park and the apple orchards..

Every time life has thrown some crazy loop in my way, my family has always been there to see me through it. Thank God for that.

So treasure your family. If you don’t have that close relationship? Maybe it’s time to work on that.. Maybe it’s not? But it’s worth a thought.

What am I supposed to look like?

I’ve never been “thin”. At least not by my own standards. I’m short, around 5’3 ish. As a kid most girls my heights were “petite”. So I always felt thicker. Perhaps I’m a taller person stuck in a shorter person’s body. Perhaps I’m just genetically predisposed to carry more weight.

“You’re not fat, you’re big boned.” Yes, my mother told me that before I heard it on Southpark. Really, there’s no such thing as “big boned”, but I do understand that we ladies come in all different shapes and sizes.

Sometimes I see women my height who are super thin but don’t look unhealthy, they just look… small. I wonder, am I supposed to look like that? If I was to try and look like that it would mean severe dieting and a hell of a lot of cardio. I think I’d have to lose muscle mass, too. …Meh, not sure I wanna do that.

I like my shape! I just, like all women, have parts of my body that I like more than others and dislike more than others. I could take a marker and circle the “problem areas” and I’d look.. Silly.. Like one of those meat diagram thingies.
Anyway, I often wonder.. What am I supposed to look like? What’s my “goal weight” supposed to be? In my head it has always been 10 lbs smaller than what I am. When I was 115 (*ahem when I was 15!*) I wanted to be 105. When I was 135 I wanted to be 125. I think I could probably get down to 125, but as mentioned before.. It’d take extreme dieting and lots of cardio.

And for those of you that may not know me, I am not an inactive person. I eat fairly healthy aside from my insatiable sweet tooth which I am constantly trying to curb..
I work out regularly, I eat healthy, and I live a healthy lifestyle. I’m a martial artist, and I’m strong. I will never be a ” petite” girl. I don’t want to get smaller. I just want my body to look.. how it’s supposed to look.. and feel how it’s supposed to feel.

And I want to stop worrying about it. Weight has always been a struggle for me. I’ve been through bouts of anorexia and have always had a foggy self image.. But I’m working hard to change that. I’m working had to accept that God made me the way I am and harming my body just to feel “skinny” is not the way to go.

Like I said, I like my shape. Today I like my shape. I can’t speak much for yesterday, but today I like it and I hope I like it tomorrow, too.