Seriously, guys.

I love my son.

I’m a single mom with joint custody and I hate it. I wish he was here all the time and yet I understand how important it is for him to have a relationship with his dad and his younger siblings from his dad’s second marriage. It would be selfish of me to keep him all the time, but I would love every second.

When he’s gone I feel like a part of me is missing. When he’s home I feel complete again.

Even when he leaves a room that was spotless when he walked in and his clothes and things are left on the floor and the pillows and blankets are strewn about. I love it.

Even when he leaves the toothpaste uncapped, his toothbrush on the counter, and the toilet seat up. I love it.

Even when I have to go to bed earlier and get up earlier because of his school schedule, I love it.

Even though the workload is 3x as much and the groceries are twice as expensive, I love it.

I never understood or could relate to the parents that said “Man, it must be nice to have a break from your kid”.

There’s no such thing as a break from being a parent. Even when they’re not in your presence, you’re still a parent. You’re still concerned with what they’re doing, you’re still thinking about them, you’re still planning your life around them. That’s what parents do. We love and we raise our children and we delight in seeing them grow and learn.  God knows I don’t want a “break” from that! I’d miss so much! When he’s not home, I check out (and try not to clean…) his room and sometimes I just sit in there and miss him.  I text him, I send him funny pictures, and I buy him little things. I wait for him to get home so we can watch certain shows or movies together… it’s all about him all the time.

And you guys, my son is such a great kid.  He really is.  I can’t even begin to describe how much I love that boy.


the heart shaped box

I was having trouble giving You these things.

I would come and say to You
that I have many things and that I should give them to You
because You can take much better care of them than I can.
But these things are very dear to me.
I really want to keep these things.
I have offered them to You many times before, and some of them I would hand over,
but some would stay wrapped around my finger without my intention
and without my realizing that I was withholding them.
And other times, without my noticing, I have stolen back the things that I had given You before.
These things are very important to me.
Yet I know that they would be much better in Your hands.
For I have realized over time that when I cling to these things that are so important to me,
fear and anxiety overwhelm me.
I worry so intensely about losing or breaking these things.
My grip is either so tight that I might suffocate them, or so loose that I might drop them.
I can not be trusted with these things.
Yet these things mean so much to me.
I love these things.
I love them more than I should.
I love these things even though they can’t love me back.
But I must give You these things.
You are the only one who I can love that will never leave.
You are the only one who can see which of these things I do not need.
You are the only one who I can trust with my greatest joy.
While I hold on to these things they block my view.
While I hold on to these things, I can’t see You.
While I hold on to these things, I keep You from caring for them in a way that I never could.
While I hold onto these things I forget about Your love.
So I have found a way to give to You all of these things without leaving any behind.
I have taken these things: my hopes, my fears, my love, my future, my anxiety, my life, my joy, my heart.
And I have placed them securely in a heart shaped box.
Gently I laid them and made sure to leave nothing out.
I wept as I sealed each corner of the box.
Though I know how wonderful You are, there is still a part of me that is afraid of losing these things.
I set the box before you with my knees on the ground, my head bowed low, and my arms raised above.
Please God.  Take my life.  Let Your will be done.