My dearest friend.

I’m going to be honest, I haven’t felt much like writing. However, I feel like there’s so much to be said. This will likely be brief, as I still really don’t feel like writing.

A few months ago I posted about my best friend. My dog. She was diagnosed with hip dysplasia. Well, at the time her vet told me that even though she was in great health otherwise, I should start preparing myself for the inevitable.

On Sunday, 8/26/12 I said goodbye to my dearest friend. Her hips had gotten much worse and her health had begun to fail rapidly. In two weeks she’d lost a tremendous amount of weight and was having trouble breathing. It was getting worse daily. She had no interest in eating and she could hardly get around. It wasn’t the hip dysplasia. They found water in her lungs, quickly filling up, likely due to a tumor.. And at her age, she wouldn’t make it through surgery, nor would it be humane to put her through such trauma.

Ethan and I took a day to say our goodbyes.. spend time with her.. spoil her rotten with love and affection (and treats!).

When I brought her to the vet, we sat in a comfortable room and she laid down on a nice soft blanket. I told her how much I loved her and how it was okay for her to go (whenever we’d go on walks and she’d hesitate about going anywhere, I’d tell her it was okay and she would go..)…

There were tears in the eyes of the doctor as she administered the shot. She only knew Puppy for a few hours and she loved her already.

And as my dear friend, my baby girl, my most loyal companion of the last 12 1/2 years went peacefully to rest, it was as though she’d finally been able to relax. Finally, no more pain, no more suffering, and no more struggle. I stroked her fur until she was gone.. She looked… better. She didn’t look sick anymore. She looked like she was comfortable and resting. Her fur was soft, her eyes closed peacefully, her body resting in the same way she’d have been sleeping at the foot of my bed.

My sister and my friend were there with me, but all I focused on was her. And I realized with a bit of a smile, that when I finally make it up to heaven, she will be the first one at the door to greet me, just like home.

i could really use a wish right now.

How often do you think we create our own setbacks?

I’ve always felt like life gives me a good kick in the rear frequently and consistently because… well, just because.  Life has never been easy on this side of the fence. I don’t think many people can say that it has been ever, really.  The trials and troubles we face here on earth help us. The mold us, the grow us, they teach us…. Or they hurt us. They destroy us. They keep us down.  But how much of that is really within our control?

I look at people I know whose lives are going well.. people who seem to have it good no matter what they do… and I wonder what makes them different.  Do they really have no problems at all? Do they really float over tribulations as though they’re on a cloud of inner peace and serenity, with smiles, and never a negative thought?  Are some people just lucky? Or destined to have it good? I highly doubt it, but who knows?

Everyone has their own brand of problems and how they handle them.  Maybe they do have problems. Maybe they have severe problems.  They just know how to handle them.

The title of this blog post is because I’ve been listening to that song Airplanes by B.o.B. and Hayley Williams, more specifically the version with Eminem.  I know it’s not a new song and it was played to death, but something about it just resonates with me as of late.

 

I look back at my life and where I am… the things that have helped me and the things that have hurt me… and I wonder “what if”.  If you’re not familiar with the song, here are a few lines..

 

Lets pretend Marshall Mathers never picked up a pen
Lets pretend things would have been no different
pretend he procrastinated had no motivation
pretend he just made excuses that were so paper thin they could blow away with the wind
Marshall, you’re never gonna make it. Makes no sense to play the game there ain’t no way that you’ll win….

Fuck a talent show in a gymnasium bitch, you won’t amount to shit! Quit daydreaming kid!
You need to get your cranium checked, you thinking like an alien, it just ain’t realistic!….

He’s gonna have a hard time explaining to Hailey and Laney these food stamps and this WIC shit.
cuz he never risked shit.
He hoped and he wished it, but it didn’t fall in his lap so he ain’t even here…

…Those are the lines that resonate with me the most. Because I know. Exactly. What. That. Feels. Like.

 

What I don’t know of (yet) is the feeling of overcoming those hurdles.  So I’m trying to change my perspective. Let those words, feelings, and experiences go. Stop them from haunting me and halting my future.  Maybe… Maybe I’ll just write songs about it and one day some kid will be listening to my music.. dreaming of a better life and plotting how they’ll make it happen.

 That’s the idea

Happy Birthday, E.

Best phone conversation. ever.

“HAPPY BIRTTHDAAAAYYY”..I had to sneak outside during the recording session before I could belt that out to the now 10 year old waiting patiently for me to answer on the other end of the phone line.  This was the first time in all of his ten years that he hadn’t spent the day of his birthday with me AT.ALL. …needless to say, my heart felt like it was missing a huge chunk all day long.  I’d called on my lunchbreak, but no answer. Called on my afternoon break, he wasn’t home. Called after work, he still wasn’t home…  So when he finally got home and his dad called me, I couldn’t wait to hear that little voice.

 
“Hehehe thank you!” says the little man.  Usually when I talk to Ethan on the phone it’s one of those short mom-get-off-the-phone-so-I-can-get-back-to-playing sort of conversations.. but not today. I could hear the joy and genuine excitement in his voice. He went on to tell me about everything he’d done so far that day, the presents he was accumulating, and how excited he was about his party that was about to start. 

“I can’t believe you’ve been alive for TEN WHOLE YEARS!” I laughed.

 
“Well, you’ve been alive for TWENTY NINE years!” He replied, laughing as well.
 

I may have shot myself in the foot in the midst of my elation over talking to the little mister. “Awesome! I can’t wait to pick you up on Sunday, we are gonna celebrate your birthday aaaall week!”

 

E says, “All week..?”

 
Mom says, “All week!”

 

“….That’s AWESOME!” says he.

 

And suddenly I wonder what he thinks I meant by that.. I guess we’ll find out come Sunday. 

Anyway, I can’t wait to scoop that little man into my arms. 🙂

The Mind Can Be a Fun Place, Too!

I’ve been catching up on the Scrubs episodes I missed over the years on Netflix and let me tell you.. I love that show.

I think a part of me loves it so much because I can relate to the constant daydreaming of the main character, JD. It makes me feel less crazy. Daydreams are fun! I’ve been a daydreamer since I was a kid. I remember sitting in class and watching the teacher you know… teach… and I’d imagine my favorite singer or actor come in and start performing in the front of the room. Of course, I’d always get picked out of the group to participate and we’d leave together and go have adventures (this was a recurring daydream and almost always with different people) and before I knew it my mind would be rudely interrupted by something I probably should have been paying attention to.

Nowadays it happens while I’m working. Sometimes while I’m driving (I know, I know!) and.. well, pretty much anywhere. I used to berate myself for it. Kick myself and tell myself that I shouldn’t be so inattentive (I still do about the driving part, but in my defense it’s usually about where I’m going or where I’d rather be going. Except for really really dark days when I imagine what it would be like to drive right off the bridge and I *promise* I would never test that theory!) and that I’m daydreaming my life away. I’ve decided that its not so bad. I like my daydreams. Like when my coworker told me they were “cruising the internet” and I immediately pictured her tearing through a highway in the sky made of rainbows and telephone lines wearing a billowing scarf and goggles going “weeee!”.

They amuse me. 🙂

Does that make me crazy?

Cue Gnarles Barkley…

Closing your eyes.

Seems like an easy thing, right?

Take a deep breath. Close your eyes. Just breathe.

Forget about what you did yesterday, what you forgot to do. What you need to do later. Think about this:

Feel the air moving in through your nose, filling you from head to toe. Exhale. Feel it rise from your toes all the way up and out of your mouth.

Which each breath, focus on the parts of your body that are the most tense. Which each exhale, release that tension.

Go.