a little neck pain won’t kill ya.

When you grow up with the weight of the world on your back it may strain your neck a little to look up. It might ache your back some to stand tall. But in the end, after you finally let that last chip fall from your shoulder, you can finally lift your eyes to see all the beauty and wonder in God’s creation.


Things that happened. Things that didn’t happen. Things that may never happen.

Sometimes I feel like I’m wasting my time with every thing I’ve ever tried to do.

But nothing feels more right to me than sharing a song.

Singing has always made me happy, ever since I can remember. Nothing has ever brought me so much peace. It literally soothes my soul.  No matter what’s going on… Putting it into song and singing it, whether it’s in front of an audience or not, has always been the most comfort to me.

It’s like breathing.

So why is it when things don’t happen I get discouraged so quickly? I guess my fear is that someday I’ll realize I’m not as good as I feel and the one thing that I’m the most passionate about will be just another thing that I’m not meant for and… then what?

Sure, I have a “back up plan” but it makes me miserable. Every other interest of mine (baking, writing, teaching) pales in comparison to my love for music. Wherever I am, whatever I’m doing, I’m always wishing that I was making music.  I yearn for it.  My heart breaks for it.  I feel like it’s a engrained in my very being.  This is who I am and I can’t be anything else.

Dear God I hope I learn from these experiences. I hope that the let downs and the frustrations and struggles are merely obstacles and tribulations set forth to make me stronger and to build me up so that when I finally get to where I’m supposed to be I’m better than ever.  Sometimes it’s just hard to see past what’s right in front of you.

The Importance of Ending on a Good Note.

My son is learning how to run a business.

Kind of.

It’s a school project. He has decided that his business will be a vegan baking business (boy after my own heart) and he’s going to sell mini cupcakes. They had their first sale on Monday and he was pretty happy when he got home. He’d sold 4 cupcakes and gave the rest to his friends AND saved two for me and him at the end of the day.
…and then I bursted his bubble.

See, my job is to charge him for supplies, etc so he gets an idea of the costs of doing business. By the time I totaled the cost it came up to a WOPPING $9.00.

He was not happy with me. Or the system. I tried to explain to him that in order to make money you first have to spend money, but the harder you sell and if you work smart you’ll make profit.

He still was not happy with big bad mom.

It made me frustrated because it reminded me of my own business struggles. After that lengthy and emotionally exhausting conversation I told him..

“You can’t focus on the negative or it will eat you alive. You just have to trust that tomorrow you have another opportunity to make more money and another opportunity to sell more cupcakes.”

He said, with tears welling in his eyes, “What if noone wants to buy them?”

I felt my heart sink a little, feeling the same way about ALL of the products I make, music or baked goods, but I replied, “You can’t let that fear bother you and keep you from trying.”

Later that night he still hadn’t cheered up and was getting increasingly frustrated with his homework. I came into the living room to find him laying on the couch with a sad look on his face. I leaned over and laid my head down next to his and asked him if he was okay.

He said, “I’m having a bad day. I think I’m under too much stress.”

I wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. He’s NINE, folks!

I asked him why he felt that way and he began to tell me everything that was on his young mind. There was much indeed and I only hope that the advice I gave him and the banana pancakes + video game time before bed could ease his nine year old brain.

I remember when I was nine. My dad passed away and I became a very somber emo/goth child with deep and angry thoughts.

You think it’s hard figuring out your own world? Try figuring it out for yourself and the extra little life that depends on you. I only hope that my faith makes me a better, stronger mother than what I can do on my own, because there are so many ways to screw up raising a child. God’s the only one who can help me do this right.

So we ate our pancakes for dinner, played video games, and resolved to make Tuesday and much less stressful day. And it was 🙂 My mom had to work on Sunday (she’s a nurse, bless her!) so we had a late Mother’s Day celebration and the family surprised her with dinner and cake and we played that Michael Jackson dancing game on Wii. SO fun!

Go with the flow.

This morning was a laid back class. One of my students was late, but she made up for it by bringing me a latte and that’s a good thing.

During tai chi I realized that everyone was having trouble focusing, so I stopped and watched.

I love teaching and helping other people have those “aha” moments that I’ve experienced during my training (and still do). When they finished the form, everyone looked so frazzled. No one was relaxed and no one could figure out why. We all sat down and instead of analyzing what we did or how we lost our focus we just… Breathed.

Everything around us is a distraction. This phone in my hand is a distraction. My job is a distraction. Negativity and stressors are distractions. There are so many distractions around us that have the potential to keep us from our blessings. How do we keep ourselves on track? How do we not lose heart? How do we “just breathe”?

We accept that we can’t change or remove all our distractions. We can’t always remove ourselves from our distractions. We have to let them pass by like logs down a river. Focus on what’s real within you. The positive things that matter, like the good friends you have, the great music you listen to, the beauty in nature, or even something as simple as the warmth of the sun or a warm blanket on a cold night. The good is always out there, you have to look past the distractions to find it.

Where we struggle is when we try to make something permanent that is constantly changing. Life has ups and downs. Your body, your mind, your spirit, they are constantly changing. If you struggle so hard to keep things the same all the time, you will fail. So be like the river. Be like the air around you, it keeps flowing and moving no matter how the environment changes, and… go with the flow.

Because no matter what, there are good things. There are blessings waiting for you to love and accept them. Distractions will come. Don’t get angry about them, anticipate them, or fight against them. When they get to be too much? Take a moment to close your eyes and breathe. Focus on the inside of you. The fact that you have a beating heart and lungs that work and that things are going to change.

A very sweet and influential person in my life told me once, “Don’t miss out on your blessings.”

They’re out there.

Random Thoughts 5-11-12

Might as well start adding the date to these (even though the posts are dated?) just to make the titles different.

Here are my random thoughts for today.

The less sleep I get, the more I daydream. (not always a bad thing)

Worship and praise music can be really cheesy or really beautiful. And sometimes both.

Mother’s Day is going to be awesome because the first thing I get to do in the morning is pick up my son. WOO!

In contrast, sometimes I listen to gangsta rap. 

In contrast to that, more often than any other style, I listen to punk.

My wrist has been bothering me for weeks. I need to get it checked out. It bothers me when I play guitar. 😦

I’ve been harmonizing a lot with the music I listen to, I think a duet is in my future…but with whoooo?

I love those days when you look back at the day before and smile because of conversations that were had or because of overall good experiences… and you remember little nuggets of wisdom that make you crack up like:  “A girl’s gotta eat”.  Or just being able to spend time with a good friend that you haven’t seen in awhile and stay up talking until you’re sentences don’t make sense anymore because you’re both so tired.

My cat knows how to snuggle like a pro. 

No, really.  He should get a job as a professional snuggler. He could help with the rent.  He’s got 8 years of snuggling experience. When he was like the size of my fist, I’d wake up with a little furball snuggled against my neck.  It’s a wonder he never got smooshed.

I just read the word “staffing” and thought it said “stabbing”. Much different. Much, much different.

I like this band called Within Temptation.  Check’em ouuut.

Sometimes I wish I could form a band like Evanescence, Within Temptation, and Flyleaf and just rock the eff out. Trick is…I need to find some amazing musician’s to work with.

I mean, I know some amazing musicians already, but they’re kinda busy. 😀

Speaking of amazing musician’s, I haven’t mentioned my friend Vera lately. No, not “Veeera”, but more like “Verra”.  He actually goes by his real name, “Chris”, now which is much easier, I think. The band is still called  Vera Mesmer , however.


He was one of those few musician’s that, when I got back into the industry, obliged my newbie questions and gave me some solid advice.  Thanks for that, Christopher!

My friends are forcing me to go see Dark Shadows tonight. Yep. “Forcing” me.

Can’t wait 🙂

Did you know I’m on a mission to see absolutely everything Johnny Depp’s ever done? I keep track on my facebook page.  I have a JD collection of DVDs…I have more JD DVDs than any other actor… Brad Pitt comes in close second, but totally not on purpose.  He just has some damn good movies. And he looks damn good in them.

Actually no, that’s a lie, I think I have more Disney movies than anything else. So it probably goes 1.) Disney  2.) Johnny 3.) Brad.

I don’t generally buy movies unless I’m going to watch them over and over.

ok, I should probably stop there.

Life Without.

Ethan’s dad doesn’t have school this week. That means no morning visits with my son since I don’t have to give Ethan a ride to school.

It hurts to be without him. God didn’t intend mothers to be away from their children for chunks at a time, I think. It feels like I’m missing something. Like I forgot something important.

But… This is good for him. Better than not having a dad at all, I suppose.

I didn’t have a dad for very long, and when I did it wasn’t very often. I remember being 8 years old and wondering why my dad would ask me and my brother why we never called him. Being only 8, I never called anyone. And as much as I loved my dad, I preferred being at my mom’s house because she was much more fun. He was much more work. We had chores and classes and all that when we went to his house. Now that I’m older, I value those lessons he taught me, but I wonder how he did it. How did he go weeks without seeing us?

He passed away when I was 9, then we had a stepdad. We’ll not talk about that right now.

There are a lot of things in life that I’ve gone without time and time again.

A significant other,
A father,
A home,
A friend,
A church,

The hard part is focusing on what’s remained constant and has carried me through it all.

I’m thankful for those

On a lighter note, I woke up with this awesome song in my head:
Frank Turner: Poetry of the Deed