okay im ready to be me now.

When I was a little kid and we’d go to the movies I always left the theater feeling like I was my favorite character. I suppose a lot of kids do that, but it stuck with me through not just movies but books, TV shows, and my favorite singers.

I was never quite satisfied with being just me.

Things haven’t changed much as an adult. While I don’t typically imagine myself as my favorite character any more, I do tend to sit inside my brain with a bag of popcorn and watch my life as though it were a Lifetime movie. I can spend hours in that theater. Just me and some butter free popcorn. And it’s the best popcorn, too, because it doesn’t get your fingers greasy or in my case, make your skin break out. And the theater isn’t too cold, but just cool enough to warrant a comfy throw blanket. I have a big gray one with a white skull and crossbones on it.

While I’m in this.. Theatre De Mon Esprit (I googled that, I don’t speak Francois)… I’m still functioning. At worst, I’m just going through my daily routine like a zombie and not talking to anyone. At best I’m going through my routine like an efficient robot. I even talk to people and eat! But sometimes I stay in the theater because its safer in there. Coming back out into the world just doesn’t sound appealing. I get into moods where I’d rather not participate with life and/or I’d rather not be me.

Then time will pass and usually someone will peek in or something from the film will invoke some sort of interest in joining the outside world and before you know it, I’m taking a breath of fresh air. Then I realize… It’s okay. I’m ready to be me now.

And this is my adorable cat hiding from the world from beneath that throw blanket..

And this is my adorable cat hiding from the world from beneath that throw blanket..

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4 thoughts on “okay im ready to be me now.

  1. We are quite similar, in this regard. We are both daydreamers. I do this ALL THE TIME. I live most of my life in my head. I thought that I was just abnormal, but it’s nice to know there is someone else out there who is the same way (that’s not to say that I’m still not abnormal).

    I get in the same moods as you. I sometimes get very grumpy and resentful that I actually have to go work, when I’d rather just hang out in my head. In fact, I find myself not getting things done because of it. I think it’s like ADD or something.

    I’ve never thought of it as watching a movie. Or as not wanting to be me. But I think it’s a great metaphor. It really is true. I’m not always happy being me. It’s easier being the person in my head. Plus, the person in my head is taller and better looking and has a six-pack; so there’s that.

    • I’m glad you can relate. That’s the whole point of the post, really.

      It’s hard for me to put it out there like that, but I do it in hopes that people will read and relate.

      When I was a kid I read a snippet from a magazine about David Duchovney (X Files) and he made a comment about how much time he spends in his head and how much he loves it. It made me feel better about the way I am. I think many of us are that way, just some of us are more extroverted than others.

      I admitted to my coworker the other day that I often have mini fantasies much like JD on Scrubs about things happening around the office… This was after I giggled a little more than normal when she said she was “cruising around the internet”…I had imagined her in a convertible with a flowing scarf and goggles driving around the www.

      Its fun! As long as we’re not dwelling on miserable things!

  2. Dwelling on miserable things is definitely NOT fun. But I’m glad you write about this stuff, because it’s easy for people to think that they are all alone. That’s why I think it’s brave of you when you write about being an abuse survivor. As difficult as it must be to talk about, someone may read it and not feel alone.

    We as humans have a basic need to feel like we belong, I think. We are, at our core, pack animals. When we don’t feel that we can relate to others, or vice-versa, we tend to feel like we’ve been shunned by the pack. It’s a terribly lonely feeling. I’ve experienced it many times, and still continue to do so occasionally. That’s why I like reading your blog, as well as Jessica’s. I feel a bit less like a freak.

    A quick story…I was talking to a good friend the other day about a book she had just written and self-published on Amazon. I have known her for about 12 years, and she considers me her best friend (she actually lives near Wilmington). She knows virtually everything about me-my broken hearts, my crazy ex girlfriends, insecurities, etc. So I ask her if she had written a character based on me. She replied that she couldn’t write a character based on me, because in all of the years that she’s known me, she still doesn’t understand me. I laughed because it was funny and because I know I’m weird and not the easiest person to figure out. But it also hurt my feelings to find out that the one person who I thought ‘got’ me, really didn’t. In that moment I felt very alone.

    This was long. Sorry. I should just start my own blog and stop writing long comments on other peoples. lol

    • I completely understand, Rob. I think that’s where having a good relationship with God comes in handy.

      We have our friends, the ones that we feel are closest to us and would be there for us through thick and thin… but they’re human. They’re just as imperfect as we are and they can’t possibly understand us the way we want to be understood because more than likely they are trying to find the same thing for themselves.

      But God can. One of my favorite Psalms is 139. It describes how God knows us so well, how He created us each individually and specifically the way we are… and He loves us. No matter what we do, what we say, what we become, or how far we stray. He loves us. How amazing is that? How amazing is it that someone can truly know you down to your very core and love you truly and unconditionally. I think it’s pretty awesome 🙂 And it’s not like it’s “just anybody”… like a stranger, or a relative, or even a friend… it’s… GOD… So.. He’s kind of a big deal.

      I may be able to understand where your friend is coming from, though. Not specifically with you, but generally as a writer. I like to write short stories sometimes, just for fun. I’ll use my friends and family as inspiration, but I could never create a character based on any of them…it’d be too complicated. *Shrug* but I don’t know your friend, so obviously I can’t speak for her.

      Anyway, I hope that helped. 🙂 AND YES. Write your own blog! I’m sure it would be very interesting!

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